when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
love makes seman taste better
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
