i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize