fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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