She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
