Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
