i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
