He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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