The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize