I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
