Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Be still, my beating vagina.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
