so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
