I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
