I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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