i already hear my dad disowning me
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
