Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
...so i touched it.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
