How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
