There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
