Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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