I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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