Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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