dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
