nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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