watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
