She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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