Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
