The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
