I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
