i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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