did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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