I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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