she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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