Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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