When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
