uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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