I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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