i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
