the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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