your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize