The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
