Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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