Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
