why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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