barbara walters just said penis...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
