i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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