I wish my penis had an off switch
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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