i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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