I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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