1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Dear god my vagina.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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