what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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