i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
