Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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