woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize