officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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