he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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